I’m not sure what to call this, but I definitely have some mental health issues. I went to a psychotherapist and also to a psychologist. It didn’t really help much. I don’t take antidepressants or any other medication. But sometimes I get overwhelmed so strongly that it becomes hard to even get up from my place. Usually this happens at home. Outside the home, I always keep myself under control and never show that I feel bad.
I have no one to talk to about this; very few people would understand. Usually people told me that I just want attention or something like that. But this problem started back in school, around 7th–8th grade (approximately at that time).
I have a strange family. The older generation grew up in the USSR and is very hardened. My parents, brothers, and their wives are more traditional. I live in a country where society and relatives put a lot of pressure. I’m 25, not married, and don’t have children. For my relatives, this is seen as a problem, although my parents and brothers don’t pressure me about it.
Regarding my problem: I never know what or when something will happen, or what circumstances might affect me. In those moments, I make very radical, irreversible decisions. I never get attached to people—whether friends, family, or close ones. I let people into my life very easily and let them go just as easily. I can suddenly cut off any relationship. I don’t know how to trust people. Sometimes bipolar-like symptoms hit me very hard. I don’t understand myself. Because of this, others don’t understand me either.
I can’t say I have anyone I fully trust. I am lonely. Sometimes it feels heavy. Sometimes it feels better to be alone. I can easily quit any job and easily change my social circle. At one point I was on strong medications, but I stopped very easily, just as easily as I started. I don’t feel addicted to them. I don’t have any serious bad habits. I drink and smoke depending on the situation and the people I’m with.
My parents don’t know much about me. I moved away from them right after finishing college, to another city. In total, I only lived with them for about 4 years. During school I lived with my grandparents. For my family and relatives, I am seen as a well-behaved daughter, granddaughter, and sister who achieves everything on her own. A lot of expectations were placed on me. But because of my character, people eventually decided not to interfere with me. I can be quite sharp and sarcastic, I speak without thinking about whether I might hurt someone, so people don’t really confront me, because they don’t know what I might do.
In 2019, I had a very serious conflict with my parents and older brothers, I almost dropped out of my studies. I finished my diploma only so they would stop bothering me. After graduation, they started again over small things. Then I moved to another city without telling anyone and completely stopped communication. Later it turned out they were searching for me for a long time. They found me after 2 years. After long conversations and apologies, I decided to resume contact. Since then, my family has not been interfering with me anymore.